Mind Games

Anyone notice the amount of violence going on in the world? Every day we have murder, raping, assault, kidnapping, robbery, intimidating, child abuse, harassment, cruelty to animals etc. One of these mentioned crimes has probably happened to someone you know. It’s a problem happening around the world. Wars kill people by the masses. Yes, Mr. Bush tortures, maims, and lies and seems to have his finger on the trigger with the wars happening in the world. Of course he is not solely to blame. There is also all the “leaders” of the other countries who are involved.

I was raised a Christian. Went to church for over 15 years. And I have a few questions. Why is God letting all of this happen? Is this some sort of test on humanity? Or maybe it’s the Lord our savior playing mind games with us. If any of those are true, then gee, thanks God, you’re great. Maybe God is not involved with the wars and violence. Why would he want to see his own creation exterminate themselves? So is there really a God? Or was I just attending Organized Religion for 15 years of my life?

And how about the well established married couples who are trying to start a family and want to conceive a child and provide that child with a lifetime of love and support but are not given the chance? The child will be raised with proper guidance, with strong family support, with love, with education and with all the probabilities of leading a successful and fulfilling life. Infertility, poor sperm count, disease, physical accidents during pregnancy all plays a part in God’s mind games.

There are so many women from prostitutes and druggies, to teenagers, to single women who had a one night stand who are often getting pregnant with a child they don’t even want, and often more than once. The child is raised in poor conditions, usually without a father, and without much family support. Now don’t get me wrong, some of these single mothers and families do a fine job raising the child and I applaud them for that. However, many children end up getting beaten, raped, and mentally abused by the parental figures in their lives. What gives these women and men the right to raise a child? They can give the child up for adoption. There’s even that ‘dreaded’ law of abortion (I am pro-choice but have a very strong argument against abortion as well but I will not get into that in this post).

There will always be social workers who apprehend children from abusive families. If some of these women give their child up for adoption, then people will argue that there would be less work for the social worker and maybe a few less jobs available, but the child will have a chance to be raised in a better environment. After all, doesn’t it all come down to what’s best for the child? I feel sorry for the hundreds of thousands of people in the world who have their name on a waiting list for adoption. They are the ones left suffering. Myself included. The rate of adoption occurs only twice a month in some provinces in Canada. The government is not helping society. Kids are still getting the shit kicked out of them both mentally and physically every day, getting apprehended by government social workers, and then placed right back with the parents in the same environment the next day for another beating. And the circle of life continues for the child.

So someone explain to me what the hell God’s extraordinary plan is with this set up? Why are children suffering in the world? This may even be happening in the house next door to you. What does God have against children and the folks who are willing to provide a good life? How can God be that cruel? Am I going to hell for something I don’t know about? I don’t need scientific evidence to prove to me that God might not exist.

Yes, I’m feeling pretty shitty with our situation and I’m aware I’m ranting. The frustration builds up after trying for years, month after month to have a baby. Watching my friends with their happy families, and yes, I am happy for them and wish them all the best. They have our support. Our other single friends parading their bastard baby in front of us pretending to live a happy life when we damn well know they did not want to have a baby in the first place. Everybody asking the question – when are you two going to have a child already? And those little witty comments like – you two would have the most gorgeous child! When the specialist doctor cancels the follow up appointment after major surgery and I try to be the pillar of support while watching my wife have an emotional breakdown because it’s another month of time spent trying to figure out if we can have a baby or not. I wish someone can give us a yes or no answer to that. It isn’t coming from any doctor, let alone the specialist, and God, yet again, seems to be keeping his mouth shut.

Some people don’t realize that we are faced with this stress almost on a daily basis. I understand that friends and family just want what’s best for us, but along with the comments comes the pressure.

So I’m left thinking - there is no God. How else can all this crap that I have been talking about be happening if God loves us? Life must be based on science and evolution. Humanity will just end up wiping itself off the earth.

Just another reality of the fictional mind.

The Next Day

Where am I?

That was the question I asked myself when I opened my eyes.

Looking around I realized that I was in church. Sitting beside me was my wife and my son next to her. We never choose to sit in the front row on other Sundays so it confused me why we are sitting here this week. Groggy and tired, I felt like throwing up. Last night my wife and I attended a small BBQ at our friends’ house. The hot tub and the beer erased the memory of the latter part of the night. The booze must have erased part of my memory this morning as I did not remember driving to church. We must have had one hell of a night. An evening with booze mixed with a hot tub always equaled good times.

The pastor was preaching and the crowd sat quiet. My mind was still foggy after opening my eyes and I wasn’t sure how long I was sleeping for. Nobody seemed to notice me jolting awake. My wife had tears in her eyes, as did my son. The pastor’s voice seemed muffled and I could not make out what he was saying. My head throbbed as I felt a major migraine coming on.

Brushing back her blond curls, I leaned toward my wife and asked if she had any Aspirin, with the quietest whisper I could manage. I had some sort of allergic reaction to Tylenol the first time I took it and was confined to the hospital two weeks afterward. We used Aspirin ever since.

My wife looked down to her knees and almost in slow motion answered by shaking her head. I got the feeling she did not want to be disturbed. In the few months that we have been attending the church, my wife has become a believer.

I never was a religious man but I did believe that there was a god. I did not however care much for organized religion. Every religion I’ve investigated seemed to have a set of beliefs that didn’t sit right with me. My wife felt the same way, especially after having a minor in Religious Studies in University. We discussed it openly before our son was born. We chose not to discuss the topic with him, as we wanted him to decide for himself if he wanted to follow any sort of religious beliefs. Not that we didn’t teach him right from wrong – no sir – he surely got disciplined for doing something he shouldn’t have. We felt that religious teachings of only one faith should not be dictated to an individual, but one should be able to be open to all religions and to choose a religion with a faith that they were comfortable in following.

A few years ago, my oldest son started hanging around the wrong kids in school and eventually got himself in trouble with the law. He got caught for stealing from a department store and was prosecuted on the charge. This was his first and only offense (that we know of) and was sentenced lightly. Along with community service, his sentence also consisted of volunteering with community activities and to prove that he is becoming a contributing member of society. He volunteered at the community center in our neighborhood and he befriended a teen his age named Justin. He and Justin started hanging out and Justin eventually introduced him to Christianity.

He attended church for over a month and I started seeing improvements in his demeanor. His grades were improving in school and it seemed he had a clearer understanding in life. We were pleased he approached us and asked us to attend church with him. We agreed and have been going to church on a consistent basis for a number of months now. I still do not believe in organized religion, but if it keeps my son from falling into a downwards spiral in life, then I will make the effort.

A loud sob came from behind me followed by weeping. Of course in church you didn’t turn your head to investigate whom it was coming from. With my ears clogged and my aching head, I would not have made the effort to look even if I wanted to. I still could not make out what the pastor was mumbling but it appeared he was asking the crowd to rise. I stood up with the rest of the crowd and the first two rows emptied out into the middle isle.

Trying to clear the cobwebs from my aching head I figured it must be the week for communion.

“Crackers and grape juice”, I whispered to my son with a concealed wink.

My son always brushed off those witty remarks of mine and always told me ‘open your mind, dad!’ This time he burst out crying. I felt like shrinking back into my seat feeling ashamed for making that wise crack. “I’m sorry, buddy”, I apologized.

My wife turned and looked directly at me. The red puffiness surrounding her eyes made my heart sink. I put my arm around her to console her. She violently shivered and brushed my arm away. Inside my heart ripped apart.

My wife wept loudly as she slowly walked forward with my son following her. They approached the pastor with tears streaming down their face and I glided in, with the guilty feeling of having a hangover. The pastor advised us to close our eyes as he said a prayer.

We opened our eyes again I realized that I was staring down into a coffin. Each thump of my head sent shooting pains though my body and I suddenly realized that we were attending a funeral. Bright white flashes danced in front of my eyes and I could only see faded colors of the black suit that enveloped the body. Squinting, I was able to make out faint details and recognized the face. It was me.

Then blackness.

Imagination

The main reason I started this blog is because I'm trying to spark my imagination again. I think I lost my imagination somewhere in the last 10-15 years. Along with my charisma, my quick wit and some parts of my personality. To remedy this, I am looking to start writing, but in essence, I find it difficult to sit down and start typing. It has already taken me a couple days to post my first writing. My problem is that when I think of something I want to write about, I always try to develop it into some kind of final draft in my mind before I write a word of it down. I know myself and If I continue doing that then I will just get frustrated and end up giving up the idea.

Articles from here on in will consist of everything. Anything that freely flows through my mind that I feel like sharing. Some of it will be true, others will be fiction, and I will not define fiction from reality. That will be left up to you.

I will tell you a little about myself during the next week or so. Stories will also include events from my life and others around me, and I hope those who are involved in the stories will not be offended if their role is not as heroic as they might have wanted, and at the same time I do not want those involved to get too big of a head if they are the heroes of the story. Of course if it is the latter, I will have to even things up in the story that follows to keep them down to earth.

I am writing for fun, not for profit. (not yet, anyways) Stories/Novels interest me the most. Favorite themes include thriller, mystery/suspense, humor and drama. So far, I have a few ideas in the making but the hardest part for me is writing down that first sentence. I know I just have to start writing, and eventually the story will come together. I'll get into the groove soon enough. And hopefully by starting this blog will ignite my inspiration for writing.